Thursday, April 06, 2006

Fear

I'm afraid, very afraid! All of a sudden today I got very paranoid about actually meeting someone that I will one day marry. I am thoroughly content but actually can't imagine ever meeting someone who I am engaged with enough to spend the rest of my life with. It just doesn't seem possible, me of such intense imagination can't even imagine it! I know the psychobabble out there says of course I can't imagine it yet because it hasn't happened, that I should relish my time alone and single since I love it so much, blah blah blah but I can't help being really uncomfortably...scared. That I will always be the single friend in my group of friends. Even when I was with M., he wasn't around so it always appeared that i was single in my friends' eyes. it didn't use to bother me because I knew I WASN'T. That's why I think part of me stayed with M. so long (well, that's not totally true of course)--but I always admitted to close friends that I just felt relieved that I didn't have to search anymore. Michelle Branch sings this really good song about breaking up called Goodbye To You and says something like, "It feels like I'm starting all over again, the last three years were just pretend...so goodbye to you."

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