Sunday, April 23, 2006

destiny

It’s really weird. I literally cannot be content with a guy unless he is ultra rich, a banker, a celebrity—or some version of important, thus fulfilling the void of importance swirling around inside of me at the moment. I am a little depressed and concerned about that. Not that I have any of the aforementioned types in my life at the moment. But I have a ton of guys chasing me right now and I don’t feel anything for any of them. Take, for example, B.—tall, hot, a good hookup. He’s the artistic writer-type but also a hard worker. He knows a lot about wine but is also a man. He’s sensitive and listens to me but is clearly able to, and will, take care of me, unlike, oh, for example, M. Yet, I cannot envision ever being with B. in a relationship. Well that’s not true—I could envision myself in a relationship with him if he becomes a famous playwright or something. I am seriously sick. I have just these visions of what I want and even if a guy fulfills it to a considerable degree, I won’t give him the time of day.

The only way I can make myself feel better is by telling myself that I am probably not just rejecting all of these guys categorically—I just haven’t met the right one yet.

I keep repeating the mantra: I am destined for great things, I am destined for great things. Maybe it’s just supposed to be my career right now, not love. Sad!

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