Sunday, April 23, 2006

Missing M.

I talked to M. I miss him so much. As is typical, I never mourned the loss of him and our relationship. Now I feel sad. I suppose three glasses of wine at lunch didn’t do much to help. Nor did calling him on the way home.

destiny

It’s really weird. I literally cannot be content with a guy unless he is ultra rich, a banker, a celebrity—or some version of important, thus fulfilling the void of importance swirling around inside of me at the moment. I am a little depressed and concerned about that. Not that I have any of the aforementioned types in my life at the moment. But I have a ton of guys chasing me right now and I don’t feel anything for any of them. Take, for example, B.—tall, hot, a good hookup. He’s the artistic writer-type but also a hard worker. He knows a lot about wine but is also a man. He’s sensitive and listens to me but is clearly able to, and will, take care of me, unlike, oh, for example, M. Yet, I cannot envision ever being with B. in a relationship. Well that’s not true—I could envision myself in a relationship with him if he becomes a famous playwright or something. I am seriously sick. I have just these visions of what I want and even if a guy fulfills it to a considerable degree, I won’t give him the time of day.

The only way I can make myself feel better is by telling myself that I am probably not just rejecting all of these guys categorically—I just haven’t met the right one yet.

I keep repeating the mantra: I am destined for great things, I am destined for great things. Maybe it’s just supposed to be my career right now, not love. Sad!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Guilt!

I hate when M. calls me. Honestly, I can hear the pain in his voice. He sounds nervous and a lot like a little kid (which in many ways he is come to think of it). He called yesterday and I picked up the phone. We chatted for a few minutes and at one point he said to me, "God, it's so good to hear your voice," and the sentence was very naked and I could hear his pain. It made me so sad but I was even a little mean to him even though he was trying to reach out (again, in a very immature way, saying in his typical passive-aggressive fashion, "when are you going to come down and visit me?" I replied, "I don't have any plans to come down any time soon" because if he was a real man and a decent partner for me he would say something along the lines of "I want to fly you down asap to visit me. Your ticket will be booked just tell me the dates."). It just makes me feel so conflicted and guilty and sad for him.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Fear

I'm afraid, very afraid! All of a sudden today I got very paranoid about actually meeting someone that I will one day marry. I am thoroughly content but actually can't imagine ever meeting someone who I am engaged with enough to spend the rest of my life with. It just doesn't seem possible, me of such intense imagination can't even imagine it! I know the psychobabble out there says of course I can't imagine it yet because it hasn't happened, that I should relish my time alone and single since I love it so much, blah blah blah but I can't help being really uncomfortably...scared. That I will always be the single friend in my group of friends. Even when I was with M., he wasn't around so it always appeared that i was single in my friends' eyes. it didn't use to bother me because I knew I WASN'T. That's why I think part of me stayed with M. so long (well, that's not totally true of course)--but I always admitted to close friends that I just felt relieved that I didn't have to search anymore. Michelle Branch sings this really good song about breaking up called Goodbye To You and says something like, "It feels like I'm starting all over again, the last three years were just pretend...so goodbye to you."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'm Just Not That Into Them

There are so many self-help books out there. I vacillate between dabbling in "He's Just Not That Into You" and "The Purpose-Driven Life." My book choices are as schizophrenic as my love life, so I feel perfectly justified.

I was supposed to stay home this past Saturday night and rest up for the next day--one of this spring's many bachelorette festivities I am involved in.

Of course I went out, and of course I was over-served. Long story short, I end up back at my place with a boy. Yet another guy from college (hey, at least I am keeping the random wierdos to a bare minimum). We only fooled around a little--didn't have sex (as my friend told the whole bachelorette party Sunday, 'I know you didn't have sex because I think you've sworn it off or something."

At one point during the hookup, I found myself looking over his shoulder and yawning. Even rolling my eyes with boredom. This can't be normal.

I am such a dichotomy--I am absolutely reveling in my single-ness, embracing my ME time, except I want someone regular to hook up with that I am attracted to. My bartender friend who had such possibility has been inexplicably not so warm to me the last couple of times I've seen him. Meanwhile, M.--my other bartender friend going nowhere--called me the other day to, what else? tell me about his life in the bar. I still feel guilty about him a little bit. I am a broken record and am once again boring myself.