Sunday, March 19, 2006

Stalkers and Marriage

I threw an engagement party for my friend this weekend, one of quite a few betrothed couples close to me who will be tying the knot this summer. So of course M. is on the brain right now--I honestly had thought that M. and I were going to get married. I was in love with him for a lot of our relationship. But after further consideration, I realize I have literally never been in a true adult relationship. Dated another m. in high school for a few years, dated J. in college for a few years, dated others along the way. And though I thought that my relationship with M. (after all, I was/am in my late twenties) was the first real thing I've had, it just wasn't. Part of it was because we barely saw each other the whole second half of our relationship, which didn't exactly up the whole closeness factor. Also, while we were obviously attached at the hip in a lot of ways in the beginning, we definitely had that six-month-mark angst and some rocky times (a real omen for the rest of the relationship). Anyway, the point of all this is that I was really thinking about how I've never just had that sort of comfortable, happy, sort of boring thing with a guy where we spent 4.5 nights together a week, cook dinner together, and actually talked and were partners. I've been feeling this void acutely and it actually continually makes me resent M. I don't want to say the relationship was a waste of time, especially because of how confident it has made me in the realm of love, and I have definitely washed my hands of it, but I just feel...a little bit bitter? resentful? or maybe just resigned?

I also realized that I really, really do want to find my match. I've been discovering in myself a new breed of single: I am not at all desperate, I am not at all a loser, I am quite the catch if I do say so myself. Tons of guys love me (God this sounds so obnoxious and I really don't mean it to) but not the guys I would EVER love, or maybe guys like bad breath J. who I could "love" for an hour when I am wasted. The last time I've felt that certain type of heady attraction with a guy was when I met M. three years ago! It's frustrating and midly depressing, though I am not even sad, just contemplative about it. I feel so happy and comfortable in my own skin but I also want that ethereal dream of a nuclear family I think. or perhaps what I was missing with M.--just someone who doesn't judge me, who I can actually feel comfortable barely my proverbial soul to. I have NEVER had that! (obviously most of that is my own emotional inadequacies but that's another story altogether).

I just read an article in the NY Times magazine about single women who want to have babies on their own and haven't met their dream guy yet, so they are getting artificually insemminated, etc. I completely applaud their choice(s) and independence. But universally they were profiled as total dorks--online daters, not very attractive, career women. No one has touched upon the fact that there are lots of really cool, attractive, hot and smart chicks out there who are scared of having to do that same thing!

Uncertainty is doubly terrifying for a Type-A like me. It's the ulimate failure almost, and not having the perfect match/marriage would be like affirming my father's negative influence in my life (yikes, more psychobabble). I just can't settle either. I was so freaked out at the engagement party, too, LIterally, three of my stalkers were there, flanking me on all sides of the room. I spent the whole night avoiding awkward and awful exchanges. One in particular is this guy from years ago that I dated one summer in the Hamptons. He is all over me, in a very pathetic way and it makes me sad and wierded out. I know he is just a totally awkward person and of course I feel sorry for him but I also feel guilty and just turned off. Ugh. The worst thing is having to wonder if in order to not be alone and raise kids from a sperm donor, I am going to have to settle for one of these multitudinous peripheral guys in my life that I cannot stand. Am I destined to live a mediocre life in that regard?

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