Thursday, March 16, 2006


I woke up this morning feeling ill, and not from all the wine I consumed last night. I was totally ill with anxiety. I am an awful person. When I was 23, I hooked up (maybe more like started a poisonous relationship) with a married man very involved in my professional life, aka, the man who signed my paychecks. I had actually done that with my first job too and until this very moment successfully blocked it out of my brain. That was different though--it was one drunken night and if I think or write about it anymore, I will definitely puke at my desk. Suffice it to say, I quit that job right away!

Anyway this more serious situation has dragged on for about the last five years. The sexual part of it ended pretty much right away but the whole sappy relationship (on his part) is unending. He's totally emotionally disturbed and stunted and loving toward me sometimes and also just plain crazy. Still very married, unhappily he says. I swear I am not in the least attracted to him and haven't been for years (I clearly was going through that disturbing older man phase when I was feeling a little out of control when I was first in NYC) but he is still lingering around like a ghost. The problem is, he has always "gotten" to me, and I do need to acknowledge the grip he has seemed to have on me. Again, not attraction, but...some sort of link. I have no idea how to explain it.

Anyway, the reason I am awful is because I agreed to go out to dinner with him last night and deserve a Oscar for the performance I gave, all because I need a random big favor out of him in a couple of days. I am a sicko! Here I am trying to become a better person, yet I manipulate the shit out of him and get an awesome free dinner to boot.

My friend pointed out that he has manipulated me over the years too, and she's right so I started calming down late morning. I still feel dysfunctional, though. Oh and the other part of the equation is that I have also been maniuplating his second-in-command, J. with the gross breath...and sort of playing them off each other for this favor I need (THOUGH, again in fairness, the thing with J. didn't start out as manipulation. I just needed some lovin this weekend, though I couldn't even bring myself to hook up with him once we got home--I just cast my spell, passed out and got a nice brunch the next day out of it. Ugh). It all makes me so lonely for M. only because I totally regret (once I am sober) engaging with these various losers (more to come on that) who I am not only NOT attracted to but completely repulsed by. And truth be told, it's not always even really disgust with something physical. Pathetic emotional pandering is not something I can stomach.

Like I said, I am a horrible person! What do you want from me?


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