Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Love

The words to "You're So Cruel" by U2 keep running through my head: "The men who love you, you hate the most..."

It's really frightening me! I made all these resolutions to try and become a better person but I am afraid that because I am so intolerant and impatient and just repulsed by so many of my stalkers (see previous post), I am going to be blocked from actually finding someone (or connecting with the two people I currently have in mind) I love! I don't look at this as some sort of celestial prohecy or punishment...maybe just karma? But I can't necessarily reconcile that either because I do try to be nice to the people in my life. Though I suppose the aforementioned impatience and annoyance that I know can be palpable in my demeanor are not necessarily helping the cause!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Stalkers and Marriage

I threw an engagement party for my friend this weekend, one of quite a few betrothed couples close to me who will be tying the knot this summer. So of course M. is on the brain right now--I honestly had thought that M. and I were going to get married. I was in love with him for a lot of our relationship. But after further consideration, I realize I have literally never been in a true adult relationship. Dated another m. in high school for a few years, dated J. in college for a few years, dated others along the way. And though I thought that my relationship with M. (after all, I was/am in my late twenties) was the first real thing I've had, it just wasn't. Part of it was because we barely saw each other the whole second half of our relationship, which didn't exactly up the whole closeness factor. Also, while we were obviously attached at the hip in a lot of ways in the beginning, we definitely had that six-month-mark angst and some rocky times (a real omen for the rest of the relationship). Anyway, the point of all this is that I was really thinking about how I've never just had that sort of comfortable, happy, sort of boring thing with a guy where we spent 4.5 nights together a week, cook dinner together, and actually talked and were partners. I've been feeling this void acutely and it actually continually makes me resent M. I don't want to say the relationship was a waste of time, especially because of how confident it has made me in the realm of love, and I have definitely washed my hands of it, but I just feel...a little bit bitter? resentful? or maybe just resigned?

I also realized that I really, really do want to find my match. I've been discovering in myself a new breed of single: I am not at all desperate, I am not at all a loser, I am quite the catch if I do say so myself. Tons of guys love me (God this sounds so obnoxious and I really don't mean it to) but not the guys I would EVER love, or maybe guys like bad breath J. who I could "love" for an hour when I am wasted. The last time I've felt that certain type of heady attraction with a guy was when I met M. three years ago! It's frustrating and midly depressing, though I am not even sad, just contemplative about it. I feel so happy and comfortable in my own skin but I also want that ethereal dream of a nuclear family I think. or perhaps what I was missing with M.--just someone who doesn't judge me, who I can actually feel comfortable barely my proverbial soul to. I have NEVER had that! (obviously most of that is my own emotional inadequacies but that's another story altogether).

I just read an article in the NY Times magazine about single women who want to have babies on their own and haven't met their dream guy yet, so they are getting artificually insemminated, etc. I completely applaud their choice(s) and independence. But universally they were profiled as total dorks--online daters, not very attractive, career women. No one has touched upon the fact that there are lots of really cool, attractive, hot and smart chicks out there who are scared of having to do that same thing!

Uncertainty is doubly terrifying for a Type-A like me. It's the ulimate failure almost, and not having the perfect match/marriage would be like affirming my father's negative influence in my life (yikes, more psychobabble). I just can't settle either. I was so freaked out at the engagement party, too, LIterally, three of my stalkers were there, flanking me on all sides of the room. I spent the whole night avoiding awkward and awful exchanges. One in particular is this guy from years ago that I dated one summer in the Hamptons. He is all over me, in a very pathetic way and it makes me sad and wierded out. I know he is just a totally awkward person and of course I feel sorry for him but I also feel guilty and just turned off. Ugh. The worst thing is having to wonder if in order to not be alone and raise kids from a sperm donor, I am going to have to settle for one of these multitudinous peripheral guys in my life that I cannot stand. Am I destined to live a mediocre life in that regard?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Manipulation

I woke up this morning feeling ill, and not from all the wine I consumed last night. I was totally ill with anxiety. I am an awful person. When I was 23, I hooked up (maybe more like started a poisonous relationship) with a married man very involved in my professional life, aka, the man who signed my paychecks. I had actually done that with my first job too and until this very moment successfully blocked it out of my brain. That was different though--it was one drunken night and if I think or write about it anymore, I will definitely puke at my desk. Suffice it to say, I quit that job right away!

Anyway this more serious situation has dragged on for about the last five years. The sexual part of it ended pretty much right away but the whole sappy relationship (on his part) is unending. He's totally emotionally disturbed and stunted and loving toward me sometimes and also just plain crazy. Still very married, unhappily he says. I swear I am not in the least attracted to him and haven't been for years (I clearly was going through that disturbing older man phase when I was feeling a little out of control when I was first in NYC) but he is still lingering around like a ghost. The problem is, he has always "gotten" to me, and I do need to acknowledge the grip he has seemed to have on me. Again, not attraction, but...some sort of link. I have no idea how to explain it.

Anyway, the reason I am awful is because I agreed to go out to dinner with him last night and deserve a Oscar for the performance I gave, all because I need a random big favor out of him in a couple of days. I am a sicko! Here I am trying to become a better person, yet I manipulate the shit out of him and get an awesome free dinner to boot.

My friend pointed out that he has manipulated me over the years too, and she's right so I started calming down late morning. I still feel dysfunctional, though. Oh and the other part of the equation is that I have also been maniuplating his second-in-command, J. with the gross breath...and sort of playing them off each other for this favor I need (THOUGH, again in fairness, the thing with J. didn't start out as manipulation. I just needed some lovin this weekend, though I couldn't even bring myself to hook up with him once we got home--I just cast my spell, passed out and got a nice brunch the next day out of it. Ugh). It all makes me so lonely for M. only because I totally regret (once I am sober) engaging with these various losers (more to come on that) who I am not only NOT attracted to but completely repulsed by. And truth be told, it's not always even really disgust with something physical. Pathetic emotional pandering is not something I can stomach.

Like I said, I am a horrible person! What do you want from me?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Little did I know

...that breaking up with M. would parallel a vast downturn in my finances. Let's not kid ourselves--it's not like M. ever really had any money either, nor was he some sort of poor prince who unselfishly slaved away for my benefit. However, at least going out, etc. I could count on him to pay for SOME things (though adnitedly at times it was like pulling teeth).

God that all seems like a million years ago. I think about him pretty frequently, but almost more with curiousity and a vague, fondness as though he was my idiot cousin, rather than any sort of longing.

So here I sit, rotting away at my freelance job at a celebrity weekly magazine, sifting through all the Oscar coverage and pulling out the ridiculous tidbits our readers seem so fervently fond of. Earlier today I was jealous looking at all the stars and their anorexic asses but then I remembered how they all live in fake worlds: fake bodies, fake faces, no minds and fake relationships and I said to myself, I've got it pretty good! Now all I need is a hot piece of ass. Thursday is coming up and I am keeping my fingers crossed that my celebrity crush will turn into a date at least....

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Drama

Considering I was just in LA, it's fitting I meet a guy at least on the fringes of the celebrity world. Leave it to me though to meet the less-than-desirable 44-year-old radio host who doesn't have much money and isn't really that smart--so of course I am oddly attracted to him! I didn't fuck him (playing the whole quasi-virginal thing really works. I should get an Oscar for my performance in that realm sometimes) but kissed him and he's definitely in love. I am not being mean, I swear! But who am I to turn the guy down when he says he wants to fly me out again, take me on a drive up the coast to taste wine, and treat me "like a princess"? I don't think that kind of thinking ever crossed M.'s mind. Oh and M. never called to wish me a happy birthday even though I had talked to him two day before and even reminded him (isn't that sad I had to remind the guy I went out with for years when my birthday is?).

I guess the only other thing is the Celebrity I met a couple of months back, another sort of oddball who I am definitely obsessed with. Thank God for the Internet! I befriended his publicist (not necessarily with any ulterior motives--and I lucked out because she is really cool) and she has taken up my mission of marrying this guy with a vengeance. I just found out last night that she has also enlisted his personal assistant in the cause as well. I am not sure exactly why I have embarked on this quixotic quest--is it because I am so sick of worrying about money that I want to marry a celebrity for security? I don't really think so. I could marry an rich guy for that purpose, ha, like A. who came to my birthday party! Maybe it's more like I like the romance of my own brush with celebrity? The one thing all of my past boyfriends have in common is that they made me feel special and cool somehow, almost in a show-offy way in front of other people. And not just because they were hot or whatever, it's because for some reason there was always someone else observing the relationship (e.g. one of their ex-girlfriends I didn't like, etc.) where it made me feel cool/triumphant or something to be in it. Dating a celebrity would be the height of that phenomenon. Does that make me fucked up?