Sunday, December 11, 2005

Sad songs say so much

There aren't enough songs about my kind of breakup. I've been trolling through my iPod, the radio, Cds, websites, everything--all to find some music I can relate to. I can only listen to so much Bob Dylan. This wasn't your garden-variety breakup, though, and nothing is speaking to me. He didn't fuck some other girl, or fuck a guy for that matter, or treat me like shit. He loves me but isn't a sucker. He's smart and interesting and outgoing. He's not jealous, he lets me do my own thing, he cuddles me at night but not too much where I feel smothered. He holds me hand when we walk around.

I think I'm still attracted to him. It wasn't the death knell of a relationship where his kiss or body repulses me. I've lost attraction before, for J. specifically after about four years, and just KNEW it was done. I don't think it was that. I'm not saying that after two+ years he was any closer to giving me an orgasm, but I'm probably more to blame about that since I faked a few each and every time we hooked up. We did stop making out after a while, but I feel like that's pretty normal. Well, maybe not normal but at least something that happens a lot.

With M., I agonized for ages before telling him that I needed to "take a break" about two months ago. This break has grown considerably in my mind and I've started dating other people. I obviously still call him when I'm drunk or need sympathy or can't figure out how to work my computer. How come there isn't a song about missing those things? How comes there isn't a song about not being able to decide if someone is right for you?

M. and I have the same conversation every time we talk (not so much these days)--he believes that a person should just be free to enjoy life, not "settle down", work and travel and not subscribe to American concepts of being an "adult" and being "responsible." As you can probably imagine, he smokes a lot of weed and sleeps a lot of the day. I, on the other hand, believe relationships are work, people need to actually communicate ESPECIALLY when they are living geographically apart like we are at the moment. M. believes that there is an "understanding" that should just naturally occur when people are in love, and both parties should just relax and take things as they come. Oh, and he was also going to propose to me a couple of months ago. He doesn't even have a job, much less health insurance or any sort of discernable career goals, and he wanted to marry me. Hmm.

I've always been a pretty positive person but I think I'm at least a little depressed. Or maybe annoyed: why can't I just make him be everything I want so I don't have to start from scratch at age 28?


At 3:13 PM, Blogger doctor mindbender said...

hes a fool just like i was 16 years ago.i still think about k. every single day. i still have dreams about her all the time. it drives me insane sometimes.but i was stupid a druggie a crack head an idiot i lost the best thing that ever happened to me and he will too unless he gets smart i wish you the best


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