Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The J. Date

I just sent M. his holiday card. I tried to keep the whole thing from becoming too maudlin but I couldn't resist injecting some poignancy into it to make him feel bad.

I'll distract myself from thinking about spending my first set of holidays in three years without him by writing about my "date" with J., who is my friend from my summer house. He is a typical Greenwich rich kid: hot, chivalrous and a brat. He is a total lady killer without being a player but I have yet to experience an ounce of sexual attraction for him. This summer, I happened to get to know him somewhat--we bonded over poetry we both write and don't share with anyone, music, etc. Plus, you definitely get to know someone pretty intimiately (even with M. around all the time) when he's sitting in his boxers on the couch hungover in the morning eating a bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwich. After M. and I get in a particularly huge fight one night, I go out with our group of friends, including J. I am so drunk and pissed off that I try to kiss J. (the only accessible single guy in my immediate sphere) who denies me, saying something about how much be respects M. The last thing I needed at that exact moment was a stand-up guy, but oh well. We end up going to the beach the next day and totally bonding over how much we can't stand the people we're in relationships with (he broke up recently too). It's fun, but in reality I only fantasize about being with him because I've decided I really want to have a house in Palm Beach like his family does. I have no idea how I've gotten so wierdly acquisitive (maybe because I've had to work my ass off for everything my whole life and am still always broke!) Speaking of families, I still feel like I could never in a trillion years bring him home to mine. I just couldn't imagine him fitting in with certain people from my home town. My mom once said that M. on the other hand is the only guy I've ever been with that seemed right for me. Of course, this was quite a while ago. Like, when he was still working.

Long story short, over the last few months J. and I have stayed in touch and seen each other at various parties through our mutual friends. Again, zero sexual attraction. In fact, I think he is in love with one of my girlfriends, another summer share houser who has a serious boyfriend. We still talk on occasion and he asks me to a concert in November, which I can't go to (Willie Nelson and Ryan Adams, fuck!). Finally we get to go to a concert (Ray LaMontagne) together a week or so ago, who is amazing and not exactly rockin' (read: romantic). We meet for a beer before, have fun, go to the concert, have more fun, and then sit in a bar for three hours after the concert, rapping about everything, especially love and meeting your soul mate and all that. This is a sort of anti-climactic story because if it were the movies, we would close down the bar (well, we did that) and kiss passionately outside amidst the first snowflakes of the season. The snow part is true but we just hugged and went our separate ways. He emailed me thanking me the next day, saying he "always loves talking to me about love and life stuff."

I guess deep down, if I am honest with myself. I would be attracted to him if I felt any attraction FROM him, though I'm also honestly not upset that it's not there. I couldn't imagine letting him go down on me--I feel like I just wouldn't feel comfortable or something. Of course, I couldn't help but daydream that when he told me about how his parents told him that the reason they've had such a successful relationship is because they've remained best friends and have such a great time together, he was hinting that it would be important to him to start building such a relationship with me. I think I am living in a dream world. No, I know I am.

I'm going to send him an email right now...

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