Saturday, December 17, 2005

The interim

I have been figuring (as M. and I sporadically exchange random messages yet grow further and further apart) that I am terrified of being alone. I know the probability is not high (or if you ask my friends, not even a remote possibility) but I cannot even begin to imagine who I am possibly going to end up with. M. looks better and better, yet worse and worse if that makes sense. For example, tonight I was over at my (married) friend's apartment and AN., who I used to wildly hook with was, was there. He's been dating an OK chick for years and the bottom line is, I was never realy attracted to him enough to take our wild sex four years ago to the next level, though we have a great friendship and connection and all that. Yet, I left my friend's house (actually kind of suddenly--being the fifth wheel is even worse than being single) feeling VERY depressed because he was so cute with his girlfriend--just kisses and attention without being annoying. As much as I missed M. intensely, the validity of our breakup was reaffirmed because he could never just do those siimple little things that make me feel wanted and special. i can think of a million examples. At the end of the day, it just resounds--he is not the one for me.

Have I mentioned I really don't want to be alone? I have never felt as confident as this time in my life. Everyone says I am just glowing and attracting guys galore. Yet. I scrutinize everyone on the street because I want to divine my future and determine who is my perfect match. It's not any of the myriad guys I've encountered recently. I just can't figure it out, though. It's such a movie cliche, but the biggest city in the universe--NYC--can definitely be the loneliest. Walking through Union Square tonight, I glanced into places like Coffee Shop and it's so warm and cozy and filled with people interacting across small tables that I felt this vague sort of sadness (nostalgia?) that defined my solitary-ness. I want to fast forward to the content, happy, never lonely part of life where I am in a stable relationship and taken care of.

So the night I decided that m#2 wasn't for me (if you recall, the sunday night we went walking around the city) I had a wierd dream. It was so vivid I woke up freaked out and sweating. I dreamed that I was sitting in a crowded cafeteria setting with the one (uninitialed because the witch in me doesn't want to give him any sort of credence) guy who about five years ago broke my heart. We were chatting about his upcoming wedding, life, love--but not flirting or anything. He looked great and was his usual fun, relaxed self in a great blue button-down shirt. Then, my FATHER (perhaps as my shrink would say, the OTHER man who broke my heart) came up to the table to collect me to take me somewhere. I remember feeling like Dad was so impressive and the two men could go head to head. I vaguely remember feeling like the bad ex would be the one to hold his own with the father. Dad is also someone, though we're not close, who is actually really smart and wise and who I've emailed lengthily for advice about life and love even after not talking to for months (not like I really follow the advice, but whatever). He said that he "liked the way [I] talk about Matt" and gave me all this advice about working it out and comprmising and shit. yeah, like he knows how that works, what with four divorces under his belt and all.

I am not sure where this whole thing is coming from, but....nonetheless I am positive there is some deeper meaning to my angst. I am definitely psychologically fucked and never going to meet anyone in New York to boot.


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