Tuesday, December 27, 2005


Christmas and the holidays in general without M. have been at least mildly depressing, there's no getting around that. The saddest thing was Christmas day when our families talked on the phone (his mom was practically crying to mine about how sad she was that we're no longer together), and I was reminded again how much a perfect fit we are in some regards.

And of course how imperfect in others.

I've kept myself occupied over the holiday break time with thoughts of C. In some ways, he reminds me of the one ex who broke my heart, which definitely raises some red flags for me. But I can't help being attracted to the guys who are ultra-confident, have really engaging personalities, are really smart (high IQ's and EQ's at the same time just DO it for me), and admittedly, have the money to back up my fantasy that they could definitely take care of me. Every time I write something like that I feel so shallow but M. has scarred me in that regard--I had to control, organize and plan virtually every aspect of our relationship so it makes at least a little sense that I would go running in the opposite direction.

I've known C. very peripherally for years now--we have acquaintances in common, and as has been my pattern in my new dating life, I re-met him at a party a couple of weeks ago. I could tell right away that he liked me--or more specifically, thought I was hot and fun--and he got my number. He is so funny and quick and could definitely be smarter than me, which scares me to freakin death yet also inrigues me since with someone like C. there would definitely never be a dull moment. To top it all off, we oddly enough have a very similiar (and strange) family dynamic.

We've been texting, talking and emailing but I came down with bronchitis and also the holidays have made getting together an impossibility. Finally, we made sort of plans to meet tomorrow night when I get back into the city. But I haven't heard from him and it's making me a little crazy. The new dating me though is smart: I absolutely refuse to call him or get in touch. I read The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You and the common theme seems to be, LET HIM CALL YOU. And clearly I'm not desperate enough to call him, and I've got a solid five guys waiting in the wings to assuage any boredom or need for lunch, dinner, drinks, coffee, a movie, etc. As the song goes, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with..."

And I should definitely know by now that my detailed fantasies of the white knight have not come true in the fifteen or so years I have been entertaining them, so I should maybe save myself a little trouble. But when I'm lying in bed at night, I can't help ruminating on the house in the Hamptons and New Year's in St. Barth's that necessarily accompany the man who will take care of me in other ways. What's WRONG with me?


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