Sunday, April 23, 2006

Missing M.

I talked to M. I miss him so much. As is typical, I never mourned the loss of him and our relationship. Now I feel sad. I suppose three glasses of wine at lunch didn’t do much to help. Nor did calling him on the way home.

destiny

It’s really weird. I literally cannot be content with a guy unless he is ultra rich, a banker, a celebrity—or some version of important, thus fulfilling the void of importance swirling around inside of me at the moment. I am a little depressed and concerned about that. Not that I have any of the aforementioned types in my life at the moment. But I have a ton of guys chasing me right now and I don’t feel anything for any of them. Take, for example, B.—tall, hot, a good hookup. He’s the artistic writer-type but also a hard worker. He knows a lot about wine but is also a man. He’s sensitive and listens to me but is clearly able to, and will, take care of me, unlike, oh, for example, M. Yet, I cannot envision ever being with B. in a relationship. Well that’s not true—I could envision myself in a relationship with him if he becomes a famous playwright or something. I am seriously sick. I have just these visions of what I want and even if a guy fulfills it to a considerable degree, I won’t give him the time of day.

The only way I can make myself feel better is by telling myself that I am probably not just rejecting all of these guys categorically—I just haven’t met the right one yet.

I keep repeating the mantra: I am destined for great things, I am destined for great things. Maybe it’s just supposed to be my career right now, not love. Sad!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Guilt!

I hate when M. calls me. Honestly, I can hear the pain in his voice. He sounds nervous and a lot like a little kid (which in many ways he is come to think of it). He called yesterday and I picked up the phone. We chatted for a few minutes and at one point he said to me, "God, it's so good to hear your voice," and the sentence was very naked and I could hear his pain. It made me so sad but I was even a little mean to him even though he was trying to reach out (again, in a very immature way, saying in his typical passive-aggressive fashion, "when are you going to come down and visit me?" I replied, "I don't have any plans to come down any time soon" because if he was a real man and a decent partner for me he would say something along the lines of "I want to fly you down asap to visit me. Your ticket will be booked just tell me the dates."). It just makes me feel so conflicted and guilty and sad for him.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Fear

I'm afraid, very afraid! All of a sudden today I got very paranoid about actually meeting someone that I will one day marry. I am thoroughly content but actually can't imagine ever meeting someone who I am engaged with enough to spend the rest of my life with. It just doesn't seem possible, me of such intense imagination can't even imagine it! I know the psychobabble out there says of course I can't imagine it yet because it hasn't happened, that I should relish my time alone and single since I love it so much, blah blah blah but I can't help being really uncomfortably...scared. That I will always be the single friend in my group of friends. Even when I was with M., he wasn't around so it always appeared that i was single in my friends' eyes. it didn't use to bother me because I knew I WASN'T. That's why I think part of me stayed with M. so long (well, that's not totally true of course)--but I always admitted to close friends that I just felt relieved that I didn't have to search anymore. Michelle Branch sings this really good song about breaking up called Goodbye To You and says something like, "It feels like I'm starting all over again, the last three years were just pretend...so goodbye to you."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'm Just Not That Into Them

There are so many self-help books out there. I vacillate between dabbling in "He's Just Not That Into You" and "The Purpose-Driven Life." My book choices are as schizophrenic as my love life, so I feel perfectly justified.

I was supposed to stay home this past Saturday night and rest up for the next day--one of this spring's many bachelorette festivities I am involved in.

Of course I went out, and of course I was over-served. Long story short, I end up back at my place with a boy. Yet another guy from college (hey, at least I am keeping the random wierdos to a bare minimum). We only fooled around a little--didn't have sex (as my friend told the whole bachelorette party Sunday, 'I know you didn't have sex because I think you've sworn it off or something."

At one point during the hookup, I found myself looking over his shoulder and yawning. Even rolling my eyes with boredom. This can't be normal.

I am such a dichotomy--I am absolutely reveling in my single-ness, embracing my ME time, except I want someone regular to hook up with that I am attracted to. My bartender friend who had such possibility has been inexplicably not so warm to me the last couple of times I've seen him. Meanwhile, M.--my other bartender friend going nowhere--called me the other day to, what else? tell me about his life in the bar. I still feel guilty about him a little bit. I am a broken record and am once again boring myself.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Love

The words to "You're So Cruel" by U2 keep running through my head: "The men who love you, you hate the most..."

It's really frightening me! I made all these resolutions to try and become a better person but I am afraid that because I am so intolerant and impatient and just repulsed by so many of my stalkers (see previous post), I am going to be blocked from actually finding someone (or connecting with the two people I currently have in mind) I love! I don't look at this as some sort of celestial prohecy or punishment...maybe just karma? But I can't necessarily reconcile that either because I do try to be nice to the people in my life. Though I suppose the aforementioned impatience and annoyance that I know can be palpable in my demeanor are not necessarily helping the cause!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Stalkers and Marriage

I threw an engagement party for my friend this weekend, one of quite a few betrothed couples close to me who will be tying the knot this summer. So of course M. is on the brain right now--I honestly had thought that M. and I were going to get married. I was in love with him for a lot of our relationship. But after further consideration, I realize I have literally never been in a true adult relationship. Dated another m. in high school for a few years, dated J. in college for a few years, dated others along the way. And though I thought that my relationship with M. (after all, I was/am in my late twenties) was the first real thing I've had, it just wasn't. Part of it was because we barely saw each other the whole second half of our relationship, which didn't exactly up the whole closeness factor. Also, while we were obviously attached at the hip in a lot of ways in the beginning, we definitely had that six-month-mark angst and some rocky times (a real omen for the rest of the relationship). Anyway, the point of all this is that I was really thinking about how I've never just had that sort of comfortable, happy, sort of boring thing with a guy where we spent 4.5 nights together a week, cook dinner together, and actually talked and were partners. I've been feeling this void acutely and it actually continually makes me resent M. I don't want to say the relationship was a waste of time, especially because of how confident it has made me in the realm of love, and I have definitely washed my hands of it, but I just feel...a little bit bitter? resentful? or maybe just resigned?

I also realized that I really, really do want to find my match. I've been discovering in myself a new breed of single: I am not at all desperate, I am not at all a loser, I am quite the catch if I do say so myself. Tons of guys love me (God this sounds so obnoxious and I really don't mean it to) but not the guys I would EVER love, or maybe guys like bad breath J. who I could "love" for an hour when I am wasted. The last time I've felt that certain type of heady attraction with a guy was when I met M. three years ago! It's frustrating and midly depressing, though I am not even sad, just contemplative about it. I feel so happy and comfortable in my own skin but I also want that ethereal dream of a nuclear family I think. or perhaps what I was missing with M.--just someone who doesn't judge me, who I can actually feel comfortable barely my proverbial soul to. I have NEVER had that! (obviously most of that is my own emotional inadequacies but that's another story altogether).

I just read an article in the NY Times magazine about single women who want to have babies on their own and haven't met their dream guy yet, so they are getting artificually insemminated, etc. I completely applaud their choice(s) and independence. But universally they were profiled as total dorks--online daters, not very attractive, career women. No one has touched upon the fact that there are lots of really cool, attractive, hot and smart chicks out there who are scared of having to do that same thing!

Uncertainty is doubly terrifying for a Type-A like me. It's the ulimate failure almost, and not having the perfect match/marriage would be like affirming my father's negative influence in my life (yikes, more psychobabble). I just can't settle either. I was so freaked out at the engagement party, too, LIterally, three of my stalkers were there, flanking me on all sides of the room. I spent the whole night avoiding awkward and awful exchanges. One in particular is this guy from years ago that I dated one summer in the Hamptons. He is all over me, in a very pathetic way and it makes me sad and wierded out. I know he is just a totally awkward person and of course I feel sorry for him but I also feel guilty and just turned off. Ugh. The worst thing is having to wonder if in order to not be alone and raise kids from a sperm donor, I am going to have to settle for one of these multitudinous peripheral guys in my life that I cannot stand. Am I destined to live a mediocre life in that regard?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Manipulation

I woke up this morning feeling ill, and not from all the wine I consumed last night. I was totally ill with anxiety. I am an awful person. When I was 23, I hooked up (maybe more like started a poisonous relationship) with a married man very involved in my professional life, aka, the man who signed my paychecks. I had actually done that with my first job too and until this very moment successfully blocked it out of my brain. That was different though--it was one drunken night and if I think or write about it anymore, I will definitely puke at my desk. Suffice it to say, I quit that job right away!

Anyway this more serious situation has dragged on for about the last five years. The sexual part of it ended pretty much right away but the whole sappy relationship (on his part) is unending. He's totally emotionally disturbed and stunted and loving toward me sometimes and also just plain crazy. Still very married, unhappily he says. I swear I am not in the least attracted to him and haven't been for years (I clearly was going through that disturbing older man phase when I was feeling a little out of control when I was first in NYC) but he is still lingering around like a ghost. The problem is, he has always "gotten" to me, and I do need to acknowledge the grip he has seemed to have on me. Again, not attraction, but...some sort of link. I have no idea how to explain it.

Anyway, the reason I am awful is because I agreed to go out to dinner with him last night and deserve a Oscar for the performance I gave, all because I need a random big favor out of him in a couple of days. I am a sicko! Here I am trying to become a better person, yet I manipulate the shit out of him and get an awesome free dinner to boot.

My friend pointed out that he has manipulated me over the years too, and she's right so I started calming down late morning. I still feel dysfunctional, though. Oh and the other part of the equation is that I have also been maniuplating his second-in-command, J. with the gross breath...and sort of playing them off each other for this favor I need (THOUGH, again in fairness, the thing with J. didn't start out as manipulation. I just needed some lovin this weekend, though I couldn't even bring myself to hook up with him once we got home--I just cast my spell, passed out and got a nice brunch the next day out of it. Ugh). It all makes me so lonely for M. only because I totally regret (once I am sober) engaging with these various losers (more to come on that) who I am not only NOT attracted to but completely repulsed by. And truth be told, it's not always even really disgust with something physical. Pathetic emotional pandering is not something I can stomach.

Like I said, I am a horrible person! What do you want from me?